Get Out of the CaR!!!!!!!!

(This is supposedly a true log recorded in the Police log of Sarasota, Florida.)

An elderly old lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,"I have a gun and I know how to use it!Get out of my car!!"
The four men did'nt wait for a second threat.They got out and ran like mad.The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.She was so shaken that she could'nt get her key into the ignition.She tried and tried and then she realised why.It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a frisbee and 2-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces further down.She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she she told the story could'nt stop laughing.He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a cat jacking by a mad,elderly lady described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large hand gun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story?
If you are going to have a senior moment...... make it memorable.

Neo Valentine Saga

In spite of what you have been told by everyone, the truth is that Valentine’s day originated hundreds of years ago in India and to top it all in Gujarat!
Gujarati men, especially the Patels, continually mistreated and disrespected their wives (Patelianis). One fine day, it happened to be February 14th, one brave Pateliani, having had her enough ‘torture’ from her husband, finally chose to rebel by beating him up with a ‘velan’ (rolling pin). Yes, the same velan which she used daily to make chapattis for him – only this time, instead of the dough, it was the husband who was flattened. This was a momentous occasion for all Gujarati women. A revolt soon spread like wild fire, with thousands of housewives beating up their husbands with their velans.
There was an outburst of moaning by ‘chapatti-ed’ husbands all over Anand and Ahemadabad. The Patel menfolk quickly learnt their lesson and started behaving respectfully with their Patelianis. Thereafter, on February 14th every year, the women of Gujarat would ceremoniously beat up their husbands to commemorate that eventful day. Soon the Gujarati men realized that in order to avoid this ordeal they needed to present gifts to their wives…… and so they brought flowers and sweetmeats. Hence the tradition began.
As Gujarat fell under the influence of Western Culture, that day was called ‘Velan-tine Day’. The ritual soon spread to Britain and many other Western countries, specifically the catchwords “Velantine”. Of course in their foreign tongues, it was first anglicized to ‘Valentine’. And there after, February 14th came to be known as “Valentine’s Day” !

-Take this post with a pinch of salt and an ounce of humor, this is not meant to hurt communal feelings.

Curriculum Vitae

My employer seems to have given me a lot of time to think and read weird things by not calling me for the last 6 months.Following is one of the weirdest resume one of my friends has come up with.

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

A Cat's Diary

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.
What do they think they are feeding me?Milk and fish bones day in and day out,let them have a taste of this meal for once,silly blokes.
That girl in the house-what does she think me?A cushion or an inanimate soft toy.Next time if she does that silly molly-codling exercise of hers on my petite frame m going to dig my teeth into her manicured hands.Silly girl,thinks she can copy my walk with that jumbo waist of hers.Simply intolerable when I have to bear the sight of her walking like that.
I simply go beserk when that old lady drenches me.I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

A Bug

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

P.S. I read this somewhere.